Asking a woman you’ve just met if they have kids seems ordinary enough. Society expects a shared life plan, and the majority will say yes. They’ll go on to tell you the number of children they have, their ages, and possibly where they live, the schools they attend, or their professions. If one of their children is a doctor, this last bit of information is almost guaranteed.
There’s another, smaller group, where the air shifts the moment the “Do you have kids?” question appears. It raises a subject that, for them, is private, personal, and often uncomfortable. While they may have struggled to make peace with limited options, faced limits outside their control, or spent a large sum on infertility treatments, explaining any of that isn’t required. The question delves into territory that is off-limits, yet there it is, a subject of conversation.
One experience watching an incredibly talented, successful, stylish woman brush off the invasive questions around her childless status was a masterclass in itself. She gave the offender the opportunity to back track with “Why do you ask?”, and when they persisted, shot back “Oh, I’m just too wild”, with a mischievous grin that dared them to continue the inquiry at their own risk.
The speaker didn’t owe that person, or the other people listening intently, an explanation, and she didn’t offer one. Her steadiness showed self-respect in real time, and her confidence filled the space where the lingering question hung in the air. I was in awe of her confidence and poise in the face of a situation that would have made most people crumble. Since the question stopped mattering the moment she chose her tone, I filed it away as inspiration to answer all types of ridiculous, invasive questions.
It’s common for women without children to face questions from people who primarily measure worth by family ties. Many hear the same line of questions about their motherhood status from colleagues, relatives, or strangers who believe they are being kind, expressing interest, or concern. The repetition can wear down even the strongest voice, and each time it happens, a woman must decide whether to stay silent, redirect, or respond directly.
Over time, I’ve learned that there are several ways to respond without interrupting the flow of conversation or bringing it to a grinding halt. My preference, which follows the example observed years earlier, is to handle it with humor and grace, e.g.
“I don’t, unless you count my houseplants.”
“I don’t, but I’ve raised a few deadlines.”
“I don’t, and my sleep schedule thanks me.”
“I don’t, and that suits me.”
Similar to her, “I’m just too wild”, each of these answers resets the tone and brings the focus back to the life being lived. Confidence doesn’t need to defend itself, and it can be light, honest, and steady all at once. When women respond with this kind of ease, they reshape the conversation. They remind others that purpose, love, and identity are not defined only by motherhood.
There are other ways to handle the moment with equal confidence. The conversation could be redirected towards a shared interest, or a gentle boundary set by saying the topic feels personal. Shifting the focus to work, travel, or hobbies gives the asker a clearer picture of life beyond outdated assumptions.
Another approach is to open a broader conversation about the many ways women build meaningful lives, helping others see that fulfillment takes many forms. Contribution, care, and fulfillment appear in many forms through friendship, mentorship, work, creativity, and self-awareness.
While many people still associate a woman’s purpose with motherhood, this belief narrows how society understands fulfillment and overlooks the depth of lives built in different ways. Widening how society views women without children is part of a larger understanding of womanhood itself. As we continue to broaden our perspectives, we can bring hope and optimism for a more inclusive future.
On the other side of things, the question ‘Do you have kids?’ also loses its weight when the people asking learn to listen without expectation. Every woman deserves respect, curiosity, and openness to whatever answer she chooses to share. This is a commitment we all need to make to foster a more understanding, inclusive, and respectful society.
Women are worthy and complete all on their own, and as daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, wives, lovers, confidantes, mentors, and all the other titles they choose. Respect grows from awareness, and in the choice to see each personal journey as its own expression of strength, meaning, and grace.
