Blog posts about living in, understanding, and finding the best of mavenhood.
The Blog
Experiencing the fast times and stress of the 21st Century is not a new subject. The stressors of modern life, especially in North America, have been documented since the 19th Century. Annie Payson Call, in her 1891 book Power Through Repose, associated “Americanitis” with a visiting German physician who was “puzzled by the variety of nervous disorders he was called upon to treat”. These ‘nervous disorders’ consisted of symptoms like exhaustion, irritability, muscle pain, lack of ambition or burnout, high blood pressure, hardening of the arteries, and heart attack.
Since the Industrial Revolution and the invention of electricity, our circadian rhythms have shifted dramatically over the past two centuries, pushing us towards longer work days and less sleep overall. We also have uninterrupted connections to our computers, phones, and televisions, allowing a consistent stream of information and perpetual demand for interaction through email and text that is unprecedented in the short history of our human evolution. This is turning our nervous systems into knots, exacerbating symptoms of fatigue, anxiety, and insomnia.
So, what to do? How do we keep up with the world we live in and still stay connected to the ‘present moment’ of our lives? How do we implement self-care in a world that is designed to pull our attention away from our own experience? A world that is going faster, getting louder, and being more demanding every day? How do we begin to unravel the tensions we may feel building around us and within us?
The Alexander Technique is a method that focuses on the ‘How’ of things. One of the principles of the Alexander Technique is the utilization of ‘Self-Agency’. This is a skill that can be developed to interrupt learned habits of behavior and thinking so that a new choice may be introduced. With this method, we can begin to practice directing our attention, so that we can have more conscious control over our decisions instead of operating on ‘auto-pilot’. We can begin to insert space and time between a stimulus and our response to that stimulus, thereby gaining control of our own thoughts and actions. We can begin this process of exercising self-agency with a Pause.
This can be a pause of time or space that is added before an action or a thought, like before sitting down or before standing up. It could be a pause added while speaking, either before or after a word. This pause could be measured by noticing your breath and waiting until the third exhale before continuing through an action or thought. It can also take place in a fraction of a second or the blink of an eye. The purpose of this pause is to consciously interfere with the unconscious force of habit. To interrupt the mind/body continuum and to find space and time to observe yourself. To allow your nervous system to reboot and reorient itself.
This ‘pause’, although it interrupts the flow of your daily routine, is not happening in a vacuum. We are still fully dimensional beings living in an environment that is sending a lot of stimuli our way. Our nervous system is taking in that information through our senses, sending it to our brain to be analyzed and returning it to the body for the appropriate response. In the pause, we can observe the process of our nervous system and the communication of our mind-body connection.
One great way to practice the ‘pause’ is while doing a lie-down or semi-supine in the active rest position. This is an exercise used in the Alexander Technique as a way to recuperate and allow for the undoing or unwinding of the self, while not having to balance the head vertically. You can start out with a five or 10-minute interval. (I personally will do this position 3 to 5 times a day as a way to manage my own stress, anxiety, or muscle tension.)
- Find a firm surface to lie on, like a carpet or rug. If it is a wood floor, you can place a yoga mat or a light blanket down to give some padding. Choose a firm surface instead of a bed or couch, as they may not give enough support from the ground.
- Use one or two slim books to place underneath your head. The intention of the books is to balance your head so your neck and breathing can be easy and free.
- Bend your knees so that your feet are flat on the floor and you are balancing your knees towards the ceiling. This allows your lower back, the lumbar spine, to maintain its easy curve.
- Fold your elbows and rest your hands comfortably on your torso, allowing space in your armpits and easy movement of your ribs and lungs.
Keep your eyes open and let them soften, seeing your peripheral vision and allowing for an open focus. As you are supported on the ground, you can add a ‘pause’. In the pause, you can notice your senses. Bring your attention to each of your senses individually and also observe them all at once. Do you have a favorite sensory experience? Is there a sensory experience that you do not often pay attention to?
You may also notice your weight on the ground. Allow yourself to unwind into the support of the floor. Is there any part of you that is holding yourself up from the ground? Allow yourself to give over to the support of the ground and the ground reaction force. Add a pause…Notice the room around you. Notice the space around you or within you.
Perhaps none of these suggestions feels appealing, and you just want to notice the sounds around you or your own breathing. Or notice nothing at all. Notice that….Notice if your state of being has shifted. Or if your attention is being pulled somewhere specific. But, don’t fall asleep. It is an active rest, and if the unconscious takes over, we are no longer practicing self-agency.
- When you are ready to get up from the ground, roll over onto your side leading with your eyes. Pause.
- Using your arms, either help yourself up to a seated position or roll over to your hands and knees. Pause.
- Take your time to come to standing. Pause.
- Take yourself into a walk around the room; so that we are practicing taking a ‘pause-break’ back into an activity or an action. If you feel unsteady, or have issues with unassisted locomotion, you may modify the exercise by having a chair nearby to help you balance while you walk in place. Or, sit in a chair and practice walking in place while seated.
Play a game with yourself – a scientific experiment; ask yourself to add three pauses in the next week. In these pauses, bring your attention to your breathing, or your weight on the ground, or the space around you. And notice what happens…
People often say it with a smile, as if it’s something to envy.
“You must have so much free time.”
“I wish I could just pick up and go like you can.”
“Must be nice not to have any responsibilities.”
At first, it might sound like a compliment. In practice, it rarely feels that way. Time and flexibility often play a role in life without children, though they seldom tell the whole story. The shape of that life is influenced by personal choices, shifting priorities, and responsibilities that aren’t always visible. For those who are child-free or childless, there is often more happening beneath the surface than most people realize.
Life without children doesn’t automatically create space or ease. Often, it means building a structure on your own, carrying responsibilities that others may not notice, and navigating a path without much recognition or support.
Take Aunt Linda, for example, who didn’t have children of her own. She was married for a while, then not. For years, she worked as a school administrator, managing both people and pressure with calm precision. On paper, she had no children and lived alone, so everyone figured she had more space in her life than the rest of us. They thought she was someone who could pitch in, rearrange her schedule, and show up on short notice, and they asked for her help regularly.
She did a lot of helping. She was the one who called her mother every morning, handled the paperwork at her doctor’s appointments, and brought soup to neighbors who were recovering from surgery. When her younger brother lost his job, she quietly helped cover his mortgage. She never made a big deal out of it. She just showed up, did what needed to be done, and went home.
At gatherings of family or friends, people joked that she could stay late or take the later flight because she didn’t have kids. They said it as if her time didn’t carry the same weight. What they didn’t see was the exhaustion behind her smile or the stack of responsibilities waiting for her when she returned home. She never said much in response, as that was her way.
pikselstock - stock.adobe.comPeople usually focus on what isn’t there, and in conversations about school pickups, dance recitals, or college applications, many fail to ask what has filled that space instead. People who are no longer focused on kids because their children are now adults can feel like they’re starting from scratch. Where before their life was organized around growing and caring for the next generation there is now a gaping hole. There is both more free time and the question of what will occupy it.
For those who are child-free by choice, that space can often be filled intentionally. The decision not to have children often reflects a clear understanding of personal needs, values, or goals. Some choose to focus on their work, their relationships, or the freedom to move through life on their own terms. Their choice to remain child-free is personal and individual. People who had children and then moved into a similar life stage matter too. Free of the great responsibility children require there is an opportunity to focus on yourself, maybe for the first time in decades.
Even so, others may expect more from you. At work, you might be asked to stay late or cover holiday shifts. In families, you may be expected to take on more care responsibilities without considering your limits. Friends may assume you’re available when they’re not because your life looks different from theirs.
For those who are childless not by choice, the story holds a different kind of tenderness. Some tried and couldn’t; others faced medical, financial, or relationship obstacles that made parenting impossible. In many cases, the grief is quiet and ongoing. It may come up during holidays or milestones or in the moments no one else would think to notice. When someone comments on how lucky you are to have avoided the chaos of raising children, it can feel like a dismissal of a dream that never happened.
People often connect freedom with the absence of specific responsibilities. Many child-free or childless adults are the ones caring for aging parents, mentoring younger colleagues, volunteering in their communities, or supporting friends through divorce or illness. Their time is spoken for, even if it doesn’t appear that way from the outside.
Planning for the future brings its own weight. Parents often hope their children will step in later in life, even if that doesn’t always happen. Those without children don’t have that assumption, so they often make plans earlier and with more precision. Health care directives, legal documents, and long-term care arrangements don’t happen by accident. These plans take time, resources, and emotional energy. They require choosing people you trust and having conversations that are often difficult but necessary.
Social dynamics shift as well. As friends begin raising children or grandchildren, their lives often center around school calendars, sports teams, and bedtime routines. Conversations and social outings frequently follow that rhythm. You may still love each other, but you move at different speeds. Some invitations fade, and other friendships take their place. Many people without children form strong bonds with others who are also in a similar life stage. They create chosen families, host their own gatherings, and build traditions that reflect their own values.
None of this makes life without children a lesser one. There can be boundless joy in the space you create for yourself. You might find freedom in your schedule, peace in solitude, or purpose in work or creative pursuits. That freedom is yours, even if it’s not always easy. It often comes with extra work, deeper planning, and the repeated challenge of having to explain your life to people who assume they already understand it.
What people often miss is that freedom, in this context, isn’t about what you don’t have; it’s in how you use what you do have. Shaping a life with intention, giving care where it feels right, and building a future that reflects your own values is a very real possibility.
Aunt Linda still sends birthday cards, shows up for people in meaningful ways, and is still asked if she ever regrets not having children. She usually just smiles and says, “That’s not the life I ended up with.” Then she moves on to the next thing that needs doing because there is always something.
Life without children isn’t empty; it’s filled with choices, with care, and with meaning. The freedom others imagine is only part of the story. The rest is built quietly, day by day, in ways that deserve just as much respect.
