I never imagined I’d actually ever marry. I’d been fully committed to my dreams of performing my whole life. I liked being in relationships but never yearned for a husband or family. So, it was a total surprise to me that when the man I was dating at age 40 asked, I said yes and had a huge wedding. But during several then-recent major seismic losses, the tectonic plates of my heart had shifted. My inner landscape was forever altered. Suddenly, there was room for a life partner. A home together. We married.
And while marrying later in life, I may have been prepared emotionally; it was like suddenly being cast in a role far from my life’s experience. (Think Angelina Jolie deciding to accept the offer to play Maria Callas!) Both parents were no longer around (two of those seismic losses.) Instinctively, I found myself turning to all I’d learned as an actor. I’m so glad I did. Here are three skills that serve me beautifully in acting and now, also in my marriage.
Curiosity
I was drawn to acting out of a deep need to connect with people and life. A desire to understand human behavior. I was born with a natural curiosity – I think we all are. Then, we hit school age and learn to hide and be embarrassed by our own wonder. Reconnecting with my own curiosity through acting has brought unexpected riches. Curiosity has become a great superpower in all areas of my life. It keeps me engaged and brings a “soft brain” kind of focus, allowing for more play and ease in collaboration and creation. To be curious is to be willing to allow things to be revealed and discovered versus manipulated or pushed. Curiosity keeps me in the realm of infinite possibilities.
Since I can never say that I know everything, it follows that possibilities must always exist beyond what I have known! I highly recommend developing a love of the unknown. Befriending the sensation of entering into the mystery that life seems to be so much of the time has been life-changing in amazing ways.
As a partner, if I remain curious about where my partner may be coming from and the path of logic in their behavior, I have a greater chance of finding understanding and compassion and, from there, finding some intersection with their experience. It keeps me from staying in the finger-pointing space of self-righteousness – a space that, in my experience, leads to nowhere but more disconnection. Instead, I can hang out in the softer space between “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” where more opportunity for understanding lives. Being able to offer the same curious approach to myself within my relationships creates a gentle container for both of our feelings and points of view. “Both/and” allows for more connection than “I hear you, but.” It also keeps me willing to support and not be afraid of their continued growth as an individual.
Listening
“Because it’s just listening. Acting is just listening, so if you’re really there with a person, you’re picking up what they’re about.” Meryl Streep
I believe that listening is not only the core space of great acting but that it’s a hugely underrated overall life skill. Being able to really listen – not just to another person, but to one’s own self, one’s inner guidance and wisdom – is to be able to meet “the moment” from a place of true presence and connection. And from those “moments,” so much can grow.
To be willing to enter into the unknown – that space that exists in between any two people – and really listen for what wants to be known, seen, and heard is an amazing space to be in. Finding a way to feel safe and grounded within myself – able to listen to myself fully – has enabled me to listen and hear more in my relationships and the world. In turn, this has made me a better partner, leading my relationships towards more depth and movement.
Commitment
To commit to bringing a particular idea or desire to creation is something that I have learned to liken to a sacred vow. It grounds me and serves as a touchstone from which all decisions can be made daily. How I fulfill my commitment to projects may look different on any given day. But there’s a baseline there, a value in my life that I put into the “no matter what” bucket. I form an agreement or contract with myself to nurture my work and both support and invest in my own projects.
I find it very powerful and empowering. It gives my days an underlying clarity that helps me move forward with greater ease. There’s much more space for joy.
This committed approach serves my relationships greatly. In my marriage, our wedding vows serve as an anchor from which the daily, weekly, and yearly interactions with my partner can flow around. We’re continually evolving as individuals, so the container of our marriage needs to be both grounded and capable of expansion. An underlying commitment to a marriage that continues to breathe and grow as we do serves as that touchstone from which to navigate our everyday lives. An anchor. We can move the anchor as needed. But there’s always an anchor.
I often wonder what’s ahead in my marriage, my career, in all things. Life is ever-changing. I’ve learned to embrace that, even welcome it. With the help of my acting skills, friends, and a never-ending curiosity that keeps me growing and learning, I’m ready for whatever comes.
