A friend told me recently about a key client who decided to “go in another direction,” which created an unpleasant dip in her company’s bottom line, and because it was her client, directly impacted her schedule and bonuses.

She’d learned this before the end of the day on a Friday, went out to dinner, went through a normal evening routine, and went to sleep. When she woke up at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning, it was because she’d had too much to drink with dinner, and she went immediately back to sleep.

Saturday and Sunday went as planned. It wasn’t until she returned to the office on Monday morning, coffee in one hand, scrolling through the week ahead with the other, that the client crossed her mind again.

The Monday Morning Test

That’s when she noticed it: the absence of any angst, worry, upset about the loss of the big client.

My friend hadn’t spent so much as five minutes replaying conversations in her head or wondering what she could have done differently, or how she could have saved that piece of business for the firm. She wasn’t worried about what other people thought or imagining worst-case scenarios. She took pride in the quality of her work and knew the business would be replaced in due time. Beyond that, she didn’t have it in her to get worked up about the ins and outs, ups and downs, and decisions outside her control.

Years ago, and not that many at that, she would have spent the weekend turning it over in her mind. That just didn’t happen, and the complete 180 from past experiences losing clients surprised her.

As she told me the story, I wondered how many women in midlife have had a similar moment. The personal life equivalents are friendships that end, family disagreements, and criticisms that hit too close to home; all potentially major upheavals that can send you into a mental tailspin.

In midlife and mavenhood, it can feel like you’ve started caring less. Science suggests something is physically happening that shows up looking like “giving zero f’s”.

The Science of Giving Less F’s

The science is fascinating and multi-layered. There are several things happening at once that, when taken together, can make it seem like you care less. It’s worth noting here that more studies are needed to specifically look at women in midlife. Many of these findings apply more generally to older adults, and it’s the combination of research that is offering understanding on this subject. If you want to call that a plea for more research, yes, please do.

The first piece of science is Laura Carstensen’s (Stanford) Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, which proposes that as people begin to perceive time as more limited, their priorities shift. Instead of chasing every opportunity or trying to maximize every relationship, people invest more and more into what feels meaningful. That change affects friendships, work, family relationships, and even the kinds of memories people pay attention to.¹

Next, Carstensen and colleagues found that many adults become better at regulating emotions as they age. They recover more quickly from everyday disappointments and become more intentional about where they direct their attention and emotional resources.²

The third piece is research showing that older adults tend to devote more attention to positive information than younger adults. This is the result of a motivational shift toward experiences and relationships that feel good. This is sometimes called the “positivity effect”.³

The final piece of the puzzle is hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause. The brain has estrogen receptors associated with emotions and stress. During perimenopause and menopause, changing estrogen levels appear to influence these systems. Researchers view these hormonal changes as one part of the broader picture and in need of more study.⁴

Taken together, here’s what these studies are saying about us being different in midlife. First, our brains become more selective about what deserves our emotional energy. Next, the improved emotional regulation that comes with age and experience kicks in. Then, we develop a tendency to seek out positive and filter out negative information regularly. And finally, changing estrogen levels may contribute to the way we process stress and emotion, adding the cherry on top of the seeming-to-care-less sundae.

What Caring Looks Like in Midlife

We talk a lot about midlife being more than menopause. We are changing and adjusting and showing up in different ways, and not all of them are completely understood. Through what could be considered a challenging moment, my friend enjoyed the benefit of these changes in a real and tangible way.

Did my friend really not care about losing a big client? She cared about not working with the people on their team she liked, and that her company would need to find more work, but not enough to let it ruin an evening, a weekend, or most importantly, a good night’s sleep.

1  Carstensen, L. L. (2021). Socioemotional Selectivity Theory: The Role of Perceived Endings in Human Motivation. The Gerontologist, 61(8), 1188-1196. https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnab116
2  Carstensen, L. L., Turan, B., Scheibe, S., Ram, N., Ersner-Hershfield, H., Samanez-Larkin, G. R., Brooks, K. P., & Nesselroade, J. R. (2011). Emotional experience improves with age: Evidence based on over 10 years of experience sampling. Psychology and Aging, 26(1), 21-33. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021285
3  Charles, S. T., Mather, M., & Carstensen, L. L. (2003). Aging and emotional memory: The forgettable nature of negative images for older adults. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 132(2), 310-324. https://doi.org/10.1037/0096-3445.132.2.310
4  Fidecicchi, T., Giannini, A., Chedraui, P., Luisi, S., Battipaglia, C., Genazzani, A. R., Genazzani, A. D., & Simoncini, T. (2024). Neuroendocrine mechanisms of mood disorders during menopause transition: A narrative review and future perspectives. Maturitas, 188, 108087. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.maturitas.2024.108087