Posts about living in, understanding, and finding the best of mavenhood.
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I never imagined I’d actually ever marry. I’d been fully committed to my dreams of performing my whole life. I liked being in relationships but never yearned for a husband or family. So, it was a total surprise to me that when the man I was dating at age 40 asked, I said yes and had a huge wedding. But during several then-recent major seismic losses, the tectonic plates of my heart had shifted. My inner landscape was forever altered. Suddenly, there was room for a life partner. A home together. We married.
And while marrying later in life, I may have been prepared emotionally; it was like suddenly being cast in a role far from my life’s experience. (Think Angelina Jolie deciding to accept the offer to play Maria Callas!) Both parents were no longer around (two of those seismic losses.) Instinctively, I found myself turning to all I’d learned as an actor. I’m so glad I did. Here are three skills that serve me beautifully in acting and now, also in my marriage.
Curiosity
I was drawn to acting out of a deep need to connect with people and life. A desire to understand human behavior. I was born with a natural curiosity – I think we all are. Then, we hit school age and learn to hide and be embarrassed by our own wonder. Reconnecting with my own curiosity through acting has brought unexpected riches. Curiosity has become a great superpower in all areas of my life. It keeps me engaged and brings a “soft brain” kind of focus, allowing for more play and ease in collaboration and creation. To be curious is to be willing to allow things to be revealed and discovered versus manipulated or pushed. Curiosity keeps me in the realm of infinite possibilities.
Since I can never say that I know everything, it follows that possibilities must always exist beyond what I have known! I highly recommend developing a love of the unknown. Befriending the sensation of entering into the mystery that life seems to be so much of the time has been life-changing in amazing ways.
As a partner, if I remain curious about where my partner may be coming from and the path of logic in their behavior, I have a greater chance of finding understanding and compassion and, from there, finding some intersection with their experience. It keeps me from staying in the finger-pointing space of self-righteousness – a space that, in my experience, leads to nowhere but more disconnection. Instead, I can hang out in the softer space between “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” where more opportunity for understanding lives. Being able to offer the same curious approach to myself within my relationships creates a gentle container for both of our feelings and points of view. “Both/and” allows for more connection than “I hear you, but.” It also keeps me willing to support and not be afraid of their continued growth as an individual.
Listening
“Because it’s just listening. Acting is just listening, so if you’re really there with a person, you’re picking up what they’re about.” Meryl Streep
I believe that listening is not only the core space of great acting but that it’s a hugely underrated overall life skill. Being able to really listen – not just to another person, but to one’s own self, one’s inner guidance and wisdom – is to be able to meet “the moment” from a place of true presence and connection. And from those “moments,” so much can grow.
To be willing to enter into the unknown – that space that exists in between any two people – and really listen for what wants to be known, seen, and heard is an amazing space to be in. Finding a way to feel safe and grounded within myself – able to listen to myself fully – has enabled me to listen and hear more in my relationships and the world. In turn, this has made me a better partner, leading my relationships towards more depth and movement.
Commitment
To commit to bringing a particular idea or desire to creation is something that I have learned to liken to a sacred vow. It grounds me and serves as a touchstone from which all decisions can be made daily. How I fulfill my commitment to projects may look different on any given day. But there’s a baseline there, a value in my life that I put into the “no matter what” bucket. I form an agreement or contract with myself to nurture my work and both support and invest in my own projects.
I find it very powerful and empowering. It gives my days an underlying clarity that helps me move forward with greater ease. There’s much more space for joy.
This committed approach serves my relationships greatly. In my marriage, our wedding vows serve as an anchor from which the daily, weekly, and yearly interactions with my partner can flow around. We’re continually evolving as individuals, so the container of our marriage needs to be both grounded and capable of expansion. An underlying commitment to a marriage that continues to breathe and grow as we do serves as that touchstone from which to navigate our everyday lives. An anchor. We can move the anchor as needed. But there’s always an anchor.
I often wonder what’s ahead in my marriage, my career, in all things. Life is ever-changing. I’ve learned to embrace that, even welcome it. With the help of my acting skills, friends, and a never-ending curiosity that keeps me growing and learning, I’m ready for whatever comes.
At 42, I have more flexibility, balance in my mind, and tools to navigate life’s great challenges than I did in previous decades of life. All of this is greatly attributed to my yoga practice.
Yoga has been weaving in and out of my life for more than a couple of decades, starting in college at the University of Arizona. The first class I attended felt earthy, out of my comfort zone, and didn’t speak to me at all! In my 20s, I found Bikram yoga, which was a great workout, but it felt a bit like a cult with its structure and rules (which was later validated when all sorts of issues about Bikram came to light).
In my 30s, after tragically losing my brother, I found myself in a hot vinyasa class. I was miserable, overworking myself, and lost in grief. I didn’t know how to turn off my phone out of fear of missing a work call. This 75-minute class was my first experience learning how to fully disconnect from my work, life, and commit to myself.
Another thing that developed during these 75 minutes was my acceptance and comfort in my body. It was extremely hot in there, and I needed to wear minimal clothing for comfort. I grew up in the era of extremely thin supermodels, had a career in fashion, and was always self-conscious about my weight after years of swim sports, a love of food, and bulking up as a result. The yoga environment taught me how to disconnect from the surface and go within. I fell in love with it and never looked back.
Fast forward to 2020. The world shut down due to the pandemic, and after several months of homeschooling my ex’s kids, preparing countless meals, cleaning, and drafting business recovery plans, I found myself in a Zoom yoga class. My teacher, who I had been following for several years and learned so much from, mentioned yoga teacher training. Yoga had saved me from losing it years earlier, and I couldn’t sign up fast enough for the teacher training!
Teacher training was the best gift I could have given myself. I literally learned how to heal myself both physically and mentally.
By trade, I am a fashion stylist in the fields of advertising and entertainment marketing. This means that I am walking miles per day for work, either on set or shopping and sourcing products for shoots. My job requires me to lift very heavy equipment, work long hours, and my body suffers from it. By the age of 27, my back was going out monthly, and there were days I was crawling on the floor trying to get to some ibuprofen so I could get back on my feet and to work.
I felt too young for such extreme pain and feared what that meant for my body in the future. Rarely does this happen to me these days, and I’m now 42! Thanks to my yoga practice, I am stronger, more flexible, and leaner than ever before. This summer, I had a six-pack for the first time in my life.
Yoga works on both the body and mind from the inside out. It is a beautiful balance of breathwork, moving meditation, strength, and flexibility. Learning yoga is like learning how to build the vehicle that you ride on your life’s journey. It teaches you the building blocks that guide you to go within and learn the intricacies of your mind and body so you can steer your ship in the best way possible.
Through my yoga practice and teacher training, I have been able to dive into the Ayurvedic sciences and how they weave through diet, seasonal changes, and the effects on the body. I am writing this at the start of fall. Several of my friends have thrown their backs out, one daughter’s shoulder is broken, and my neck was out of alignment in the last couple of weeks. In Ayurveda, this is the Vata season, which is dry, airy, and not very grounded.
To balance this out, it helps to eat and drink warm fluids, do hot yoga practices, use saunas, and add warmth to the body. After adding some extra yoga to my busy schedule, calming my nervous system with heating pads, tea, and mindfulness, my neck is 90% better, my posture is upright again, and I’m on the mend. Ten years ago, I would have been in pain for days, if not weeks!
I could go on and on about my lessons in yoga for a lifetime because I see myself exploring yoga throughout my life. I know it will continue to evolve because there are so many layers to the practice, and the more I dive into the process of learning the sciences of yoga, the more I uncover about myself. That’s a wonderful gift to give myself! As our teachers say at the end of class, “I am grateful for those who came before me to share this practice,” and I am always happy to share my experiences and gains from yoga with others, as it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
