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Three unexpected steps for women navigating a major life transition

There was a point in my life when I found myself emotionally exhausted, financially depleted, and trying to survive the aftermath of a divorce. I remember sitting alone and thinking honestly and painfully: How did I get myself here?

Not just emotionally, but financially.

I was educated. I came from a family that valued hard work, sacrifice, and financial discipline. I had opportunities. I was capable. So why wasn’t any of that translating into a different kind of life? Why was I starting over from negative dollars…again? Why did I continue making decisions that left me feeling small, financially insecure, and disconnected from the kind of life I actually wanted?

Like many people shaped by trauma, I spent much of my life making decisions focused on survival and the present moment, not my long-term future. And I realized something even deeper: I had spent so much time adapting to everyone else’s needs that I never truly stopped to ask myself what kind of life I wanted for me.

The Stories Behind Our Decisions

The answer didn’t come all at once. It was the start of a slow, oftentimes, painful unraveling. What I eventually realized was that many of the decisions I had made throughout my life were happening through the lens of stories I didn’t even realize I was carrying.

• The “good immigrant daughter” story: work hard, be grateful, don’t ask for too much.
• The eldest sister story: be responsible, take care of everyone else first.
• The starving artist narrative: passion matters more than financial security.
• The quiet, supportive spouse: keep the peace, minimize your needs.
• And the version of me that learned surviving felt safer than speaking up.

Over time, those stories quietly shaped the way I viewed money, worth, risk, success, independence, and even what I believed I deserved. They also shaped the beliefs underneath many of my financial decisions:

• Asking for too much is selfish.
• Security matters more than joy.
• Love sometimes means self-sacrifice, even to the point of self-harm

These stories weren’t random. They were shaped by my upbringing, my culture, my lived experiences, and the environment I grew up in. And without realizing it, they quietly shaped the way I moved through the world.

That’s why I believe money often becomes emotionally loaded during major life transitions.

Why Transitions Make Money Feel So Emotional

A divorce. The loss of a loved one. Children leaving home. A layoff. A health scare. Or simply realizing that the life we imagined looks different than the life we are living.

These moments don’t just disrupt our routines. They force us to confront ourselves. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, money suddenly becomes very loud.

Am I okay?

Do I have enough?

What happens next?

Why does this all feel so overwhelming?

Why do I feel so alone?

Why do I feel so behind?

What is wrong with me?

As a financial advisor, I’ve worked with many midlife women navigating these exact moments. And one thing I’ve learned is this: what looks like a money problem is often also an emotional story.

Sometimes our financial behaviors make perfect sense in the context of our lived experiences. Avoiding finances may have once protected you from anxiety. Over-giving may have helped you feel loved or needed. Staying financially dependent may have once felt safer than risking failure. Constant comparison may come from fear that everyone else received a map you somehow missed.

That’s why money can become emotionally charged in ways we don’t fully recognize until much later. And often, those patterns don’t fully reveal themselves until life suddenly changes.

When Financial Patterns Rise to the Surface

A divorce may suddenly expose fears around security or independence. Widowhood can force someone into financial decisions they never previously had to navigate alone. An empty nest may create space for long-avoided questions about identity or purpose. And, career transitions often bring up fears around stability, survival, or whether we are even “allowed” to want more.

In these moments, many women quietly turn fear into self-judgment.

“I’m bad with money.”

“I should already know this.”

“Everyone else seems more confident than I am.”

But how could we know the things we were never taught? That realization changed the way I looked at money and, honestly, the way I looked at myself. I truly don’t think most people are bad with money. I think many of us are carrying emotional patterns that once helped us survive.

So get out a pen and paper. Take out your journal. Because I truly want you to start putting thoughts on paper.

3 Things to Start With

Here are three things I wish more women knew when rebuilding financially (and emotionally) after a major life change.

1. Get curious before you judge yourself

Before budgets, spreadsheets, or investment strategies. Before asking, “What’s the next financial move I should make?” I think the first step is awareness.

Some women immediately jump into tactics first: what to invest in, what accounts to open, how much they should save, whether they should downsize, or how quickly they need to “get back on track.” Others immediately start criticizing themselves.

But I think there’s a more important question to ask:

What patterns, beliefs, or fears may have shaped the decisions that brought me here today?

This isn’t about shame or blame. It’s about awareness. What kinds of patterns have you quietly repeated for years?

For me, part of my answer was not speaking up for fear of punishment, whether real or imagined.

Do you avoid looking at money? Do you over-give? Do you spend money to self-soothe? Do you save at the expense of present joy? How have these patterns shaped your life over the years? How have they helped you? And how have they hurt you?

Most importantly:

What would a healthier relationship with money actually look like for you?

There is a difference between judging ourselves and understanding ourselves. And understanding ourselves is where change begins.

2. Put the facts on paper

When we feel overwhelmed, our brains often make things feel bigger, scarier, and more impossible than they really are. One of the most grounding things you can do during a transition is give yourself clarity. Clarity reduces overwhelm.

So start putting pen to paper. You do not need perfect answers. You just need a place to begin.

What streams of income are coming in?

What expenses are going out?

Where are all your accounts?

Can you access them?

What debts exist?

What are the interest rates?

Are your beneficiaries updated?

Do your will, insurance policies, and estate documents still reflect your current life?

I can’t tell you how many women I meet who genuinely do not know where all of their money is, what accounts exist, or whether they can even log into them. So if this is you, you are not alone. But let this be the moment you begin taking ownership.

The goal is not perfection. It’s visibility. Because we can’t make informed decisions from avoidance or vagueness.

3. Stop trying to do this alone

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the belief that strength means figuring everything out by yourself.

I actually think the “Women Who Do It All” archetype has left many women feeling like asking for help is weakness. It isn’t. Some of the strongest and most successful people I know are the ones willing to ask for support and build a team around them.

Transitions often require what I call a “board of advisors.” Not one magical person who does everything, but trusted people who can support different parts of your life. This may include:

• A financial advisor
• A tax professional
• An attorney
• A therapist
• A coach
• A trusted friend or community

Money decisions are rarely just financial decisions. They are woven with emotion, identity, values, family dynamics, fear, hope, and lived experience. And you deserve support while navigating them.

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Looking back, I no longer ask, “How did I get myself here?” with shame. Today, I ask with curiosity and compassion. And, the answer wasn’t that I was irresponsible or broken. But, that I was making decisions through the lens of stories I had never stopped to examine. And even now, I continue to ask myself whether I’m making decisions from old survival patterns or from the life I am trying to create.

It’s not a question I answered once during my divorce. It’s a practice. One I return to again and again as I continue to build a life that feels more aligned, intentional, and true to who I want to be.

Sometimes the most important work we do around money is not just growing wealth. It’s rebuilding trust in ourselves. It’s learning that awareness is not evidence that we are failing, but evidence that we are finally beginning to see ourselves more clearly.

And maybe that’s part of what life transitions are really asking of us: not perfection, but honesty. The willingness to examine the stories we inherited, the patterns we repeated, and the life we want to create moving forward with greater awareness and intention.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes